I just returned from vacation and then several days of travel. The vacation was needed and is what prompted this post. Donna and I went on a cruise and had an excellent time hanging with some old friends and decompressing a bit. It was a welcome respite from the cold weather back home. In Nashville it was frozen, but in the Caribbean it was very warm.
I love getting away with my wife, and we work hard to invest in our relationship. Why? Because it pays dividends.
People often ask me how I balance work and travel. Sometimes it is really a question. Other times, they are just reminding me to be sure to do that. By no means, do I think I have it all figured out, but my wife says she thinks we have a good balance.
When I invest in relationships it is the same as putting money in the bank, and that's important because I have to make frequent withdrawals. I travel a lot, work a lot, and am probably not easy to have as a husband or father. Those withdrawals demand frequent deposits.
With that in mind, and knowing that I am not the perfect example by any means, let me share how I try to make relational deposits in the life of my family.
First, with Donna there is a brief list of how I prioritize my relationship with Donna:
- My wife is second only to Jesus in my life
- My wife and I talk and pray about how to balance ministry and life. I give her veto power over all ministry related issues. If she is higher priority than ministry, she much have veto power of it. If she is more important than ministry, she has priority over it.
- My wife can change our ministry focus if she wants. We have agreed that, at any point, if she thinks what I do hurts our marriage she can ask me to leave pastoral ministry and I will. If she is more important than ministry, she has priority over it.
- My wife approves individual activities. That's right. If my wife wants me to not be an interim; I stop. Or take an event. Or write a book. Or whatever. She keeps me balanced and need her to do that. If she is more important than ministry, she has priority over it.
- I plan my schedule to be home with my family. I am surprised to see that not everyone appreciates that. But, if there is a three day event and they want me to speak each morning, I ask to speak three times in one day.
What is funny about that is I used to mock the speakers who fly in and out of a conference. I thought it was ego. Passing judgment on someone from a distance is easy, and often inaccurate. Now, I am that guy who often does not stay the whole time. For me, it is family. If I stayed the length of every conference, I would miss date night with Donna or Cracker Barrel with my kids, and I am not that stupid.
I know your conference is important to you, but my family is important to me. And, it is my job to advocate for them, even if it is not convenient for a conference. There are plenty of conference speakers, but only one husband to my wife and father to my kids.
Second, I work hard to make my family a priority in my life.
- I don't have any hobbies. I used to, but not with a ministry and three small children. A friend of mine once told me that you can't be a church planter and a good golfer-- you don't have time for both. At least for me, I can't be a good husband / father, do what God has called me to do, and play golf, or fish or religiously watch football. But there is one exception - and this is important - if the kids want to do it, it is our hobby and another opportunity for investment.
- Every week, Donna and I do a date night. People complain they don't have time. Neither do I. No one has free time just lying around. You aren't going to find time, you have to make it. if it's important enough you will make the time.
- When I am at work, I work to get things done so I don't have to work at home. People ask me, "why are you always doing your email and writing on the road, why don't you just relax?" The answer is simple, I don't want to relax in San Diego, I want to relax in Nashville. So, I get the work done on the road and when I am home, I am home.
- Every Saturday, mom stays home and my kids and I go out for breakfast, usually at Cracker Barrel, or as you can see if you follow me on Twitter, "the garage sale with food."
- I try to take the kids with me on trips as often as possible. They love coming along. And when I am speaking for one hour in Denver, it is a good day of fun for one of my daughters.
We also have established a family tradition. They know that my travel has downsides and upsides. One of the upsides is frequent flyer miles. When each daughter has a certain birthday, they celebrate it with dad on a frequent flyer trip. We go on a dad and daughter trip at certain milestones:
- At age 5 anywhere in the state
- At age 10, anywhere in the United States for a week. (Kristen & I just went to California for a week.)
- At age 15 , 23 go anywhere in the world.
I also work hard to not complain about ministry in front of my kids. Yes, I have to travel and I have a busy job, but I think pastors should never complain to their kids because it turns them against the ministry.
Let me add that does not mean we shelter our kids from the challenges of ministry. We should not. But, what I have seen happen over and over is that pastors come home, complain to the family about a conflict, and share the hurt with their family. Then the pastor reconciles and rebuilds their relationship with the person, but they fail to go home and tell the family. All the family has is the anger the pastor used to have. Instead, I seek to talk about the blessings of the ministry-- we get to tell others about Jesus, we can travel together, etc.
Third, I talk about my family all the time.
For those of you who follow on Twitter, you may get tired of hearing about my family. Get over it. It might remind you to spend some more time with your family. I talk about and brag on my family everywhere because I think of them all the time. The truth is we talk about the things we love, the things we value.
All of this investment is important because my family is my first calling and ministry. One day, I am going to leave LifeWay and the church I serve. We are all going to retire or perhaps make a move to another role. And, when you do, the only people that go with you are your family. Remember that.
Just a few thoughts as I have had a great few days with the family...
Posted on February 2, 2009 at 8:00 AM ~ 36 Comments
Tagged with: donna, family, life, ministry, rules, values
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Thank you for the insights on a Monday morning. I needed to hear all of this.
Ed,
Brother, you are a great encouragement. I appreciate your devotion and commitment to God and your family. We are praying for you.
Ed, this is a great post. After following your blog and twitter for a while, I've loved your perspective on missions, leadership and church. Just as valuable is this intention regarding your family. Thanks for posting this and challenging all of us!
Thanks very much Ed. May your words be heeded, and your example followed. I know I need to hear them and do them.
You guys are a really helpful example. I'll be getting married in the summer and I'm definitely going to start with a date night.
Running ministry ideas past my future wife sound good too.
Great post, great reminder.
Great post Ed! And some of these ideas are very challenging to me personally. I never considered the veto-power advantage for my wife. We consider everything together, but I don't think I have ever surrendered to her that privilege. Thanks for these great insights. They are a tribute to your great family!
Ed,
Thank you for this post! It is a great reminder to all of us of what is important in our lives! If we lose our family, we have no ministry!
Greatly appreciate your thoughts and actions on this! Reminds me of my husband to some degree. He was closing up a service one night at a little church on in East Texas. He said to them, "I know you are considering me as your next pastor. God is first in my life! Next is my wife and then my sons. If you want a pastor who puts the church first - I ain't your man!" So thankful they didn't call him.. It is also why I have Thursday nights blocked off on my/our calendars for our sons. Ticks people off quiten often, but like you said - it is family that goes with you.
You and your family are prayed for daily!
I'm waving my cell phone Good Doctor...great post!
Great post. You are a great role model for Dads/husbands. I am amazed each week how you seem to do it all. You seem to do so much more with your daughters than most dads who do not travel. I think it is because you value that time so much more that if you had more free time! When I see Donna and the girls, they are all smiles! Thankful you are my boss, boss!
thanks for loving your family the way you do...and, in turn, inspiring us along the way.
As I wrote earlier, I loved the article and was challenged by it. My wife and I have been discussing it for a bit and have some questions.
How can the wife have veto power over ministry if it is a call from God? Will He not call us both? How then can the wife veto what God has called us to do? Isn't that vetoing God's perfect plan for our lives?
I completely agree with prioritizing family and scheduling time with them just as another appointment, and then keeping it. I do that, and I have 5 children. But my wife and I both wonder about vetoing what God has called us to do.
Any insight on this would be appreciated. We respect very much your wisdom and insight. Thanks.
When reading your post Ed, I thought it was a real testament to the love you have for your wife. At the same time, my thoughts wandered to @Michael_Stover's questions as well and will add one more.
Can you point to a husband in ministry/answering God's call in the Bible that allows this veto power? While Jesus showed servant leadership to his bride, the church, I don't remember him allowing the church or his disciples veto power on his ministry.
Thanks for any insight into these questions!
Ed,
Funny you should post on this. I am wrestling with something in relation to your post right now.
Prayers from anyone is appreciated.
God Bless,
Benji
Michael,
A great question. And, important for the discussion.
We prayed through this balance a lot. I believe God has called me to lead my home spiritually. But, I also recognized that I am so flawed that I lack the wisdom to make good decisions some time. Donna is the ONLY one who can tell me I am spending enough time at home, so she does—and I adjust my calendar as needed. And she knows when that is needed better than I do.
Thankfully, God has given me a partner in those decisions and I am glad to give her full veto power because she knows me better than I know myself. I get so excited about speaking at the Assemblies of God HQ (where I am now), the SBC Pastors Conference, Catalyst, or wherever, that I put too many things on my schedule. She knows better-- and I need her.
And, it is important that we understand what the “call of God” is. I believe I could be totally obedient to the Lord, sold out to the gospel, and serving others and not speak, write, or be at LifeWay. I have a call from God to follow and serve him, but WHERE and HOW is something that has to be determined through mutual prayer, together.
If my wife were to say, “forget being a Christian and serving God and others,” I could not. But, if she were to say, “Working at (blank) is killing our marriage and our spiritual life, I think we should make a change,” you can bet I will (for that matter, I did that once and it was the best decision we ever made).
Since you can’t be a Biblically qualified pastor without the support of your wife (see 1 Timothy 3), she already has veto power. I just tell my wife that she does! Donna knows that she is more important than anything else-- and that makes our marriage more secure. I will never choose ministry over marriage. Ever.
In my life, I see my priorities as follows:
1. God and my relationship with him
2. My relationship with my family
3. My ministry and relationship with others
Because my family is second in my priority list, the only way that I can evidence that is to give priority over the things that follow. This is how we do that.
Also, for example, if I were to break down my #3, my ministry and relationship with others, you would see the same idea at work there. Those of a higher priority have veto power of those below. So, my first priority is to lead LifeWay Research. If being an interim pastor distracts from that, my boss has veto power over it.
One last thought in this long comment. Back in High School (when we started dating) there was a (cheesy) song we enjoyed called, “Love Song for Number Two.” I don’t remember who sang it, but we loved it because it expressed our heart for the Lord and for each other. So, we would come up to each other at the locker and say, “I love you 2nd best!” or “you are my #2.” Donna still has cards, notes, and a $2 bill I gave her over 20 years ago.
Too many pastors wives hear “you’re my number two priority” but they live in a “number three” world. If your ministry is number 2, it’s a mistress and will destroy your marriage.
I have seen it. Often. And, this is how we protect our marriage. It may not be for everyone (as I have a remarkable wife), but it works for us.
I suspected that this question would boil down to how each of us define "calling" and its scope. I wrestle with this concept, whether it is God's call to "serve Him and follow Him", or God's call to "serve Him and follow Him in THIS SPECIFIC AVENUE of ministry". My wife was and is an important voice God uses to confirm that call, and direct it. And she is an important check on my exuberance in scheduling!
Each of us must determine how God has called us to serve Him and where, and I agree that He will call my wife and I together. If He has called us to the pastorate, for example, she or I cannot veto what God has determined without consequences best avoided.
Thanks for the great insight and wisdom in this and other posts, and your openness to discuss issues that affect us all.
It is important to have a distinction between church life and family life and not let the church "business" take away from the family investment and time. However, I think it is important to have hobbies and involve those unchurched, non-Christ-followers in those hobbies ...what better way to share interests together and build relationships in which to share Christ.
Awesome Ed! Thanks for being open. As a church planter I tend to get caught up with ministry 24/7 and neglect my family. Then just brush it off as sacrifice. I know I need to readjust my schedule, but I just can't say no.
Please pray that I can make the necessary adjustments to my schedule and just say "no" to somethings that come up.
This was a great post, Ed! I have so much respect for you and Donna and how you have faithfully led our church during the past year.. such a weird transition time.. and for standing up for what is Biblically correct. It is so great to hear that you place such a high priority on your marriage and your children! It challenges me to do a better job at making time for Billy each day and show him that I truly appreciate the great husband and father that he is!
Brenna,
I have never found hobbies to be the best relationship builders, but my experience may be unique. I would rather have someone over for dinner than sit in a tree stand with them. Grin.
Ed
Ed, great post, convicting and engcouraging. I'm still figuring this one out, being the seasoned married man that I am (17.5 months and counting)!
Ed,
Thanks for being real about the work it takes to balance life and vocational ministry. I found this post very valuable. I pray God's blessings on your family and your work.
Cheers,
Matt
Thanks, brother. I will pass this post around to friends and family.
Thank you for this post. I am reading through "Letters to Timothy" and the first letter, written by Tom Ascol, deals with priorities. This is an excellent follow up to what I just read and a great reminder of the need to keep our priorities in the proper order!!
Well said, Ed. I am not as busy as you, but I am pretty busy (I am not sure how you do it). I think all you wrote is outstanding and pretty similar to how we do things at the Reid family address.
I would, since my children are older than yours, agree that where they are in life is vital. Now that ours are 20 and almost 16, I travel more. But I am taking a break from book writing for my Hannah's sake. There was a period of time where I only preached one Sunday a month because they were at an age where I needed to be around more.
Of course I have the added benefit of taking my son with me often as the drummer in the band that travels with me. That was an unexpected consequence that has been such joy. And, Hannah travels a lot, and now Michelle does more and more as well.
I think every family has to decide about certain things in their contexts. I protect my family's birthdays and listen to my wife when I overdo it (like today--I am sick, she said I need to stay home, I cancelled classes).
I also prioritize Hannah's volleyball games. Dr. Patterson gave me GREAT advice years ago I have followed--find out what your family loves to do and do it with them. So I spend a lot of time at or watching Tar Heel games with Josh, at the mall with Hannah, and sitting on the back deck watching birds and just talking with Michelle.
It helps that I have a president who has been the best model I know of balancing family and ministry.
The other thing I have tried to remember is that I am dispensable to my family, but there are plenty of other professors, preachers, leaders, etc.
There is a thin line between being all we can be for Christ's sake and selfish ambition. If we fall off that line, our families suffer most.
dude - you are a real human being. fantastic!
Ed: It seems silly to point out the obvious sometimes, doesn't it? But, I must say, it's always great to hear anyone share their passions and priorities. Great post. Keep up the good work. Love following your great Twitter posts.
Jack
Glad to hear that your family is a priority over ministry! Thanks for some great ideas on keeping my family a priority during the difficult years of having young kids and being a church planter.
Thanks Ed for doing what you do and doing it out loud for the next generation of leaders, for guys like me, with new marriages and new kids and new ministries.
Ed,
Thanks for the reminder. It is so easy sometimes to be blinded by all the stuff we "have" to do in ministry that we really do miss the most important things. My wife and I have a three day retreat next week to which we are both looking very forward to. Luckily, our church recognized the need for us to have some time away and provided it for us. Keep doing what you're doing.
Thanks Ed for your faithfulness and devotion to your first ministry, your family. This really encourages me and also convicts me to keep my family first. I appreciate your thoughts and being open to share this.
Great post Ed. One every husband and wife, mother and father need to read. My husband has such similar philosophies. Especially about cruises! I am blessed.
BTW... did you succeed without Twitter on your vacation?
I LOVED the last line. I post on facebook ALL THE TIME what my wife and son are doing. She is gutting a house we just bought and I love to tell the world about her mad drywall skills. He scored 18 points in Y basketball (because of his coach, right? me!) and I think the entire church knows now. One thing my wife and I have started is drinking a cup of hot tea after dinner. Our son jumps in the shower and we sit and talk for 15 minutes. It is my favorite 15 minutes of the day. Ed, if you teach us anything, teach more of this. I am dead serious- write a book on ministry and family. why cares if we have missional church if we have kids and pastors' wives and husbands who hate the church.
Wow...my husband sent me this link and I'd cry right now if I was just a little more tired today. Thanks for saying all these things that more people in your position should say. As a pastors wife, I get so frustrated when people do ministry and sacrifice their families and try to make it Biblical. Thanks so much. This has charged up us to protect our home and family life even more and not apologize for it.
Does this mean your wife can cancel your calling? I know a wife who has asked her husband to stop pastoring so he can concentrate on home life. After 10 months it seems like they have a great marriage, good kids, and lots of gifting for ministry. Is it ever possible the wife is acting out of fear to protect her family from the struggles and emotional pains of pastoring rather than a genuine concern about prioritizing family over ministry?