I like the concept, but my experience would make me skeptical of the potential for success of such a venture.

Except for committed Christians who want to glorify God in their weddings, most people do not want any kind of ministry or advice, just someone to lead the vows.

When I try to infuse biblical advice into their marriage plans, people seem in disbelief.

The idea of missional weddings sounds noble. I just have not found couples getting married very willing to receive biblical ministry.

Ed, I confess I'm still cringing at the title! I think this is a great idea and a "proper" way in which to serve the community, but missional? I would call it missionary perhaps... it's outreach, and it seems to me it's still attractional. I think I'd want to support the effort, but not necessarily the title.

This is a common practice in our church. What an opportunity! Most of these couples agree to some premarital counsel, walking them through a carefully selected premarital book and talking through how this couple is planning on raising thier kids as it pertains to the church is great discussion. We have had several couples who have started attending church as a result of this. However, we make it clear, they are not our project. We just love them!

Doesn't "missional" mean being on mission? And it's not just any mission, but the mission of God. Can people who don't belong to God be on mission for God? I don't think so.

I'm not a pastor, so I haven't had the opportunity to officiate a wedding, but I don't think I would be able to officiate a wedding *in a church* for non-believers. If the location was different, then maybe. Its really hard for me to read the Bible's description of the church being Christ's bride and then transfer that language to people who have little to no relationship with Christ.

I would love to hear the answers from people as to why they want a wedding in a church or to be married by a pastor if they don't have much connection to that church or pastor? In many states you can get licenses to perform a wedding yet not be a minister. Why not go that route?

This also serves to highlight the fact that some people still see marriage as something that is "beyond" them. That's an interesting angle to explore as the definition of marriage is starting to expand.

I have mixed feelings about this idea and have truly struggled about how to be missional with weddings. Several years ago, I asked our church to agree that we would not do a wedding unless the couple agreed to a covenant. This covenant includes the stipulation that they would not live together from now until their wedding day.

Unfortunately, many never sign the covenant and go elsewhere. The intent was to encourage them to step up to a standard (God's standard).

This becomes especially painful when there are children. I would be interested in reading the responses here to see how others have handled being missional and biblical (as if those two can be separate).

While I applaud the effort and the thought, my experience has been that it has not been an effective means to reach people for Christ.

Admittedly, I have not approached it with any vigor and have not, by any stretch, overdone it in approaching weddings as missional possibilities.

However, my experience in ministry (going on 37 years) has been that couples (esp. young ones) are more interested in WEDDINGS than in marriages.

That's at least true for the brides. More often than not the grooms are silent partners in the process at best and enduring the torture of the process at worst.
Good old Princess Diana...

I'm open to the idea and applaud the effort but have to confess, to this point, weddings are my least favorite aspect of ministry.

Now funerals...those are different matters.

A few years ago I officiated some weddings despite not being a "full-time" minister any longer. The couples were all non-church goers. In fact, two of the couples were students from China with no background in Christianity.

I don't share the evangelical views of some or mainline perspective of others, and have dropped the term "missional" from describing my approach to the faith because it has been so terribly misused. The couples for whom I officiated weddings have not maintained contact with me, and I didn't expect that anyway. I also don't have any silly sentimental ideas about "planting seeds."

What I did, for a small stipend, was officiate very nice, memorable wedding ceremonies for folks who weren't church goers. That in and of itself is enough for me.

Sounds good, pretty hard to do.

As a church planter who is now pastoring a nearly 100 year old revitalized chuch in the buckle of the bible belt, I see how few people really want the Jesus who goes with a "church" wedding.

I agree that in theory it may sound good to use performing weddings as an outreach vehicle to the community. However, from my experience even as a young pastor, few pastors who would fit into this model would have the "boys" to refuse to marry two pagans or even one for fear of losing their honorarium.

What good would it do to perform a Christian wedding and have a marriage without Christ in it?

Maybe the only thing would be that it helps supplement the salaries of the missional pastor as he tries to make it to self-sufficiency.

When it comes to performing weddings, I'm still no hierling and I'd rather be safe now than sorry I performed the wedding later.

Sorry, don't buy it.

Maynard,

I get what you are saying...

But, one of the central impulses of "missional," is the "missionary" approach. In other words, "outreach" better be missional if we are joining in the Jesus mission to serve (Luke 4) and to save (Luke 19:10). That is not all there is to being missional, but it is part of what it means.

But, "missional weddings" is Bill's phrase so I will let him respond to why he sees this as missional. Up until Bill used it, I had never seen those words put together. :-)

So, to all, feel free to discuss in the comments. I know it is a sensitive subject which is why I asked Bill to let us post his materials and discuss them. The mix of opinions thus far has been illustrative of the challenge of the issue.

I am on vacation so I won't be around much to weigh in.

God bless,

Ed

@Chris Blackstone

Not trying to be a punk, just trying to clarify a couple things

"Doesn't "missional" mean being on mission? And it's not just any mission, but the mission of God. Can people who don't belong to God be on mission for God? I don't think so."

I agree, but I think the intent is the "missional" nature of the pastor in question, fulfilling the mission of God by seizing the opportunity to minister to, share Christ with, and bless someone who doesn't know Christ.

"I'm not a pastor, so I haven't had the opportunity to officiate a wedding, but I don't think I would be able to officiate a wedding *in a church* for non-believers. If the location was different, then maybe. Its really hard for me to read the Bible's description of the church being Christ's bride and then transfer that language to people who have little to no relationship with Christ.

It sounds like there's confusion between a building for the church, and the church as the bride of Christ. Should the location really matter? The latter half is a very good point.

With all that said, I'm not sure how I quite feel, and do wrestle with that. I have once agreed to do a wedding for 2 unbelievers, who submitted to counseling, etc. They later backed out for other reasons. I'm interested to hear more though, and how this works out practically.

I am down for this! I am currently in a premarital counseling situation with a couple who are not Christ followers. I am being very intentional about sharing the gospel in every session. I do it in different ways but it is so applicable to marriage. My only apprehension comes when I begin to worry about the effectiveness of the gospel. That is not my job! My job is to tell the gospel and allow God in His sovereignty to do His work of softening their heart and drawing them to Himself. On another note I will work with anyone who wants traditional marriage. You see, I live in Iowa!

Ed, I've often thought about this as an incredible opportunity for mission. I've done premarital counseling for a number of couples who were not born-again and had great opportunity to share the gospel with them. The "marriage passages" in the NT are so gospel-centered that it's kind of hard to miss. Plus, even if it didn't bear immediate fruit, I know that those couples would (and have) turned to me and our ministry during times of difficulty and future crisis. So far my ministry in this area has been in response to people asking...interesting to think of being more proactive with it.

The other concern I'd have would be to make sure that it was driven by gospel-motives more than financial-motives. As we all know, there's good money to be made in doing weddings.

Thanks for all the great comments... a reminder to me that this is messy!

First - "missional". This is why Ed did a 5-part series on what it means to be "missional". I'll just be very basic here and say in the simplest terms, I see it as being the "sent ones" (John 20:21). So this is not (as one comment suggested) an attractional effort. It is "going" to them, serving them, demonstrating to them you care for them and want the best for them - even a nice, meaningful wedding ceremony! I'm just simple like that...

[more later]

Serving couples who consider themselves "spiritual" but not "religious" is a great privilege... but MESSY!

I have seen that pastors whose primary concern for couples is to "convert" them do not make the best servants.

Pastors serving and representing their faith through authentic love and deeds are the ones that make the biggest impact on couples who have never seen or experienced real Christian faith lived out.

Couples don't need four or five concise informational facts about Christianity, they need to see it lived and modeled through relevant, loving pastors who can tell stories about how God makes a difference in life and in marriage.

It seems like folks are still getting tripped up on the word "missional."

If we are obedient to the gospel, then we MUST do this, especially in light of the cultures desire to do weddings and not marriages. If we won't tell them the truth, who will?

I agree Bill on a certain level that our intention should not be to get a quick decision or to get these couples to pray a prayer. On another note though, our intent is to see them become Christ followers for that is the very purpose of being missional. This many times is a slow process over several years.

I think it is an awesome way for pastors to engage with unbelievers on an intimate level. Especially pre-marital counseling. It is unintrusive because it under mutual desire and agreement, and it is a very personal experience for the individuals. Young engaged couples are in a very defining stage in their lives. For many, the months before marriage are very reflective and important. I feel like pre-marital counseling and even just private meetings and discussions would be an optimal opportunity to demonstrate and share the gospel with couples. So many people have been "burned" or hurt by the church that their wedding may be the only time they actually step back under the authority and influence of a pastor.
I am fresh into marriage and not a pastor myself. But it is hard to believe that any pastor would deny the opportunity to influence a new family that comes knocking on their door. Saying yes, but under the condition of a few weeks of pre-marital counseling. Assuming they agree to the counseling, what an amazing opportunity to spend time sharing what a Godly marriage looks like, reading scripture with these unbelievers, and praying with them.

Just spending time with these people will likely show them what a loving leader and pastor looks like and re-shape their opinions of the church.

The only problem with this model is what happens if they are unchanged and unaffected by the counseling. My thoughts are, why not have a wedding for two unbelievers in your church and once again, get a chance to share with hundreds of guests what the Bible says about marriage and read scripture over them. There is no doubt in my mind that God could use that to draw someone to Himself.

I think we have to be careful we don't let our personal paradigms prevent us from reaching out to the world. Our mission is to be a living witness to others. Being able to sit down with a couple is one way we can accomplish this task. Honestly, we don't know how much impact our influence will be in the couple lives down the road. But, we will know we had an opportunity to be one.

Ed,

You're right not to draw too sharp a distinction between "missional" and "missionary" -- I do so merely as a function of appending the background of historically different approaches.

Let's see... to be a "missional wedding" I would submit that the pastor/church is simply serving the couple with no ulterior motive. I would say that the aim is getting to know the couple and inviting them into the fold as friends rather than as a hook to conversion. I think many of our evangelistic efforts fail because we try to rush the process.

To Jay's point about signing a covenant, I would say it's unlikely to ever work because as a friend of mine from the maritimes likes to say, "you can't clean the fish before you catch them." This is insisting on a pattern of behave-belong-believe rather than belonging first, with belief and behavior following.

Just love on them first and serve them at the outset of their formalizing their marriage vows. If marriage is part of God's intent, then facilitating it is part of bringing his kingdom (the fact of no marriage in heaven shakes this a little, but marriage is clearly God's design for right now).

I agree with Bill's second comment on this point -- well put.

As for whether or not a "missional wedding" is attractional or not, it's really determined by attitude and approach (e.g., whether the wedding is in the church building or outdoors in a park misses the point.) I actually did my own lengthy series on the meaning of missional around the same time as Ed did his (with which I interacted), so I'm not unaware of the term.

Perhaps a way to note the distinction is whether one officiates the wedding in order to come in contact with people so they "get saved," or to bless them with the hope that they will.

Then too, I just hear the phrase "missional shampoo" echoing someplace... and I start to wonder whether we shouldn't just do what we do and let others describe it how they will. If we have to spend too much time arguing that what we do is truly missional, it make one wonder: "why?" Is it just another aspect of the tug-of-war battle over the meaning of the word?

To add to the information, I would like to point everyone to a commentary by Russell Moore on this topic. Link --> http://tinyurl.com/df6ebu

Moore is emphatic that pastors should not perform weddings for non-believers and provides a strong bibilical argument for his case. Read his points as you think through this.

For my part, I can't fault a pastor who accepts an offer to perform a wedding of non-believers he knows, but to make such a thing a missional strategy is problematic. There are several reasons I could touch on, but the key problem is that non-believers probably won't use the service if pastors are willing to be dangerous by actually speaking the truth in love. They are apt to use a person who shows up, performs a ceremony, and give a "blessing" on the occasion, but I don't see them calling on a loving pastor who explains their position and calls them to repent and believe the gospel.

David D and Maynard - thanks for your encouraging and thoughtful comments.

Consider these comments from couples:

"As you know, when we first met, I described myself to you as an atheist, and asked if it were possible to 'leave God out of the ceremony.' You kindly told me that your desire was to serve us best, but that leaving God out of it was not possible due to that fact that God was a part of you. I was not sure what you meant, but I trusted your promise not to 'preach' to us on our wedding day. All that said, I have to say that I can no longer call myself an atheist. Rather, I am probably an agnostic – because I just don’t know the answer. You’ve shown me that it’s ok to question, as long as I am still en route. Thanks for that direction, AND for doing a great job at our ceremony!"

Another wedding was particular disappointing for me initially. The couple did not seem to have any real interest in spiritual things, and while it is easy to say we serve without an agenda, I find myself disappointed when I feel like a “hired gun” to come in and perform a wedding. With that said, here is an email from the couple a few days later while on their honeymoon:

"Aloha Pastor Bill. Russ and I just wanted to tell you how incredible our wedding was. We are still hearing comments from our family about how special you made it. We really did not expect that! Since we are moving in a few months, we were wondering if you could point us out to a church in Seattle that has a pastor like you. You’ve made us think that we might be missing a part of life – so we want to give it a try. Thanks for any suggestions."

My experience leaves me with mixed reactions to this thread.

On several occassions I have done weddings for folks I would have no other contact with. It has been a good opportunity to represent Christ before them at this critical moment.

I have been careful to build the service around where they are spiritually. It is my desire to present Christ but also to honestly reflect where they are spiritually.

I remember clearly one case where this was a significant spiritual turning point for the couple. Other times it allows me to grow ongoing ministry relationships.

But on the other hand, I have seen that even in a "churched" wedding the minister is simply another vendor, on par with the florist and the caterer.

I have very little interest in that.

So, if someone wants a pastor I am interested. If someone just wants a pretty wedding prop, I will pass. (Plus I am not that pretty.)

for me as a pastor, i'm torn. i feel that as a pastor performing the wedding, i play a part in their relationship. am i accountable for the way the marriage plays out? in some ways i feel i am.

this has me thinking though. what an awesome opportunity to be able to talk with couples about marriage from a biblical perspective. if they don't want to hear you or don't want what you are planning to give them, they can find someone else.

I have been in ministry for ten years. I started off believing in the concept of "missional weddings," but have recently abandoned the idea. I have done several such weddings, and have never had a positive outcome. Most of the couples are now divorced, and many times I left the ceremony feeling used and, quite frankly, a little dirty. As others have said, it is a noble thought. But my experience is that it doesn't work in reality. I do think pastors bear some degree of responsibility for whom they marry. In a sense, when we officiate a wedding, we are endorsing the marriage. That's a pretty solemn responsibility, and shouldn't be taken lightly.

to Maynard - I appreciate your concern about the covenant process. One of the main benefits has been to establish what the standards of a biblical marriage would begin to be and call them up to that standard. I feel that most people want God to bless whatever they are doing rather than bless God.

Having said that, I have still had several opportunities to work with couples that are not willing to sign the covenant (currently one couple). They have a child and I have offered to perform an immediate wedding so that they can take time to prepare the Big wedding as a family celebration. They are considering this, but they are more seriously contemplating salvation now and have started attending church. (This is rare).

One thing I am always quick to say to a couple is that my desire is for them to have the best opportunity for a long and wonderful marriage. Even if they choose not to have me as the minister, I offer to meet with them in pre/post marital discipleship.

I love presenting the gospel to brides- and grooms-to-be. It terribly breaks my heart to see couples walk away from help in making a strong marriage.

I've been blown away by the missional possibilities of weddings. Weddings (and funerals) may be the last place in secular America where people feel the need to seek out a sacred experience. I've had the opportunity to share God's view of marriage, and have been asked to share my faith. I'll do weddings for the un/de churched any day. Even at weddings of practicing Christians, you get to share scripture with many who might never come to your church!

The first year of serving a church in Grand Cayman I resisted the invitation by resorts to serve as a marriage officer. I finally realized that I was missing a gospel (um, "missional") opportunity. I created a 1-1/2 hour workshop called "Making Your Love Magnificent" and told the resorts that I was available for anyone who would take a couple of hours with me to prepare. Among other things, the course included a presentation of the gospel. They had a workbook to keep, which included an appendix on how to find a church once they returned to the States, and a list of marriage enrichment resources from a Christian perspective. Needless to say, I found myself in foreign spiritual territory on several occasions, but it was rewarding. And, though it was a seed-sowing effort with no expectation of harvest, harvesting did take place.

I've not seen a biblical argument against these "missional weddings" that holds weight. In fact given the time I think we could make a sizeable argument for why this is completely biblical.

Recently our new church plant took up this issue amongst our leadership. We uncovered many of the issues that these comments have already addressed, effectiveness, being "used", gospel proclamation, is it missional? and more. We did not see strong enough biblical evidence to prohibit this with our staff. We also weighed the pros and cons. I find this to be true...

If you feel a heart felt call from the Lord to make his name known in this manner through performing weddings. And your motivation is not monitary. And you're not conflicted in your heart about this but feel the freedom to do so. Realizing the complexities of joining two people together in marriage a uniformed approach could prove to be problematic, so being lead by the Holy Spirit in each unique situation should prove to be wise.

I've married unbelievers and was not personally conflicted. If you are wondering "is this okay?" you shouldn't be doing it. Being effective at this and staying true to the gospel while at the same time blessing the couple is a lot like skiing. It takes skill, not everyone is good at it and if you're really bad you might break your leg.

I think one other point I would make is, just like everything else in ministry you have to find what God is calling you to do? Also where are you effective? For Bill he may be exceptional at this and have a special gift in this area. Know your role! Do it with a heart felt conviction. Do it for the glory of God. Or maybe don't do it at all. peace