I teach 3-4 year olds at a corporate early learning center. About 1/2 of my students are from homes in which mom lives with the boyfriend and they are raising 3-4 children as their own, as a regular family.
When an adult male comes to school to pick up a student, I don't say "your dad is here" because he isn't the dad; I say "your ride is here." Some of the other children in class will tell that friend that his dad is here and he is quick to say "that's not my dad, that's my friend."

My teaching assistant is an almost-30 year old female who has been engaged for a year but has set no date for the wedding. She says she's in no hurry to get married. They live together and share household expenses together. No children.
She told me one time that she knows people aren't supposed to live together before marriage but she knows marriage is a big step and have to know what you're getting into.

Another teacher friend got engaged to her boyfriend almost 2 years ago, bought a house, set a wedding date but postponed it for a year later when her grandmother passed away and she took another teaching position. They are going through all the traditional plans for wedding prep but they are basically already married in their living arrangements.

Another teacher friend got engaged to her AirForce boyfriend and moved to the base where he was stationed. They lived in an off-base apartment for about 6 months, got married, then moved to base housing. Not sure of the reason, maybe military regulations.

Co-habitation is very common in the Mid-atlantic region of the US where we live, work, and minister. If we shoot these people down upon first meeting or learning of their living arrangements then they will never speak to us again. My teacher assistant is one of my good friends at work and she often comments/likes my FB status Scripture verses/quotes. That's one way of ministering to her and sharing Christ with her.

Hmm, Ed Stetzer references Bon Jovi in his blog the very day Bon Jovi's new album is on sale at Amazon (http://bit.ly/3uoCR1)! Coincidence? I think not.

I'm a membership pastor at a large church in Texas. We have a place in our church that serves as a "reverse alter call". Basically it's a place where people can sit down with someone and take the time to ask questions about the message, make spiritual decisions such as salvation or start the membership process. Over the last few years we've seen an increase in people who come into this room with the desire to join the church, but are openly cohabiting. While we don't extend fellowship of membership to them at that time, we take the opportunity to encourage them, that God is obviously working on their hearts in a good way or they wouldn't desire church membership anyway. So, we take a bit more extended route to membership as we work through providing resources to help them move toward (pre-marital counseling) and to actually get married. Once they are clear on God's intent for marriage and they are in agreement and have reconciled the situation, then we proceed with the process of membership. If that isn't the result, then we clearly let them know that we care for them and want the best for them, and we do not condemn them. We actually tell them that we want them to keep coming to our church, keep being involved in small groups and building relationships that we hope will point them toward a God-honoring response to their situation. However, we have to be equally clear that membership is a commitment to hold to the values we have as a church, one of those being the intent God has for marriage, and that membership is not the next best step for them at this time. We will direct them toward another step, getting plugged into a small group or entry service opportunity.

Wes - It seems to me if a church makes a decision to respond to people who live together in this way - then they are obligated to respond in equal manner to those involved in relationships with partners who are not their spouse (adultery), polyamorous, etc. It seems the bible sees pre-marital and extra-marital sex as equally wrong. So why does the church at large seem to judge extra-marital sex so much more harshly than pre-marital sex?

Glenn,

The church should be responding to those situations in similar ways (speaking truth in love, standing firm on truth, but hoping for the redemption of the situation for God's glory).

I can't really speak for how the church at large responds to those situations differently, but I believe God doesn't discriminate between the two scenarios. While all sins are equal in the sight of God, our human response varies, which gives more evidence to our inconsistency as humans than anything else.

I think the more harsh response comes when a married couple says they are committed to the values of our church, but then commits adultery though they have made these commitments. They have heard and know God's view of marriage and they go ahead regardless. It's a decision made despite a foundation of knowledge of God's word.

Thanks for your thoughtful question Glenn

In addition to my comments above, a friend of mine, who has helped shape my church's ministry to families and has helped us develop our theology of the family said the following. I found it clarifying and helpful.

"For what it’s worth, I would suggest “cultural expectations” is more influential than scriptural knowledge – and that is a good thing because Christianity is a communal faith...Christianity is the faith of incarnation where the written word points us to the greater reality where we encounter truth in flesh & blood. Those truths need to be modeled and reinforced by one’s family and faith community. So, we need to teach young people what is right. But we must also create a culture that makes it easier for them to do the right thing. I’m not sure the Christian church is doing that very well since we tend to mirror the culture around us rather than embody a difference." - Kurt Bruner